Beer snobbery runs rampant these days. Every time we try to have a drink in a bar, there are multiple people waiting in the wings to tell us why our choice in beer should be enough to get us jail time. “Oh, a…pale ale? I guess that if you like garbage, it’s an okay choice.” That’s why combining rock bands with beer brands is such a good idea. Because no matter how many people with moustache wax are telling us that we have great taste in horse piss, we know that we’re drinking alcohol with the Slayer logo on it.
And that’s awesome.
Multiple Mastodon Beers
There are barely any ways to dislike Mastodon, and those few ways are usually due to personal problems, like the inability to like anything good, or the inability to enjoy life. But for those with sound mind and excellent taste in, well, everything, Mastodon has released multiple kinds of beer.
First, they made a Premium Lager, because everyone deserves to try a Mastodon-themed beer. Next, they made a double-black IPA, because everyone deserves to have a beer that they can lord over others. A double-black IPA is a great way to tell people that you won’t be talking to them that evening. Then they made a brew called “Motherpuncher,” because everyone deserves to blush at least once while ordering a drink. It’s a Farmhouse IPA that’s brewed with passion fruit, because, also, everyone deserves to be able to say “It’s really not that bad, ” when people ask them why they’re drinking that.
AC/DC Pale Lager
The AC/DC Pale Lager is only available in the band’s native Australia, and that almost feels like revenge against us. So, on behalf of everyone who said “While solid, the Black Ice album didn’t meet our expectations,” we at Man Cave would like to say “Please, AC/DC. Reconsider, and put some of your Pale Lager in locations around the world. Because we’d really like to try it, and then probably talk about how For Those About To Rock We Salute You was better.”
Canadian Metallica Beer
The release for this product says “During the concert, the sonic vibrations from Metallica’s music will be infused into the liquid, creating the rock and roll recipe.” Now, one could spend this entire entry explaining why that claim doesn’t just refute science, but murders it entirely. But we’ll take the bait, and instead ask the question “What kind of Metallica is going to be going into our Budweiser?”
If it’s Master of Puppets or Enter Sandman Metallica, man, we are so down for that. But what if it’s St. Anger Metallica? Even the most dedicated mixologist would have no idea of what would happen when you start that process. Is St. Anger Metallica safe for human consumption? Can someone call the FDA? I guess, as soon as Metallica gets to the post-2000 part of their set, we’re going to have to switch to Coors.
Queen’s Bohemian Lager
There is no beer on this list that incites the curiosity of the Man Cave staff like this one does. How does it taste? On one hand, maybe it tastes like “Bohemian Rhapsody” sounds. In that case, it would taste like a mix of nostalgia and freedom. It would taste like the night that you got drunk with your theatre friends and belted out “Bohemian Rhapsody” the week before you graduated. It would taste like the emotional high you got from having the people you loved around you, and knowing that, while you’d all be going in different directions soon, you had each other then. It would taste like the world was full of possibilities.
On the other hand, it might taste like the name of it sounds. Nothing screams “We went with the first title that popped into our heads!” harder than naming a beer “Bohemian Lager.” In that case, it would taste like adulthood. It would taste like meeting one of those aforementioned friends 20 years later, and learning that a factory accident ruined their chances of doing musical theatre. It would taste like realizing that you guys now have nothing to talk about. It would taste like making an excuse to go home early to save yourself from any more awkwardness. It would taste like disappointment.
Bohemian Lager either tastes really good, or it tastes like defeat. It probably won’t taste bad, but it might taste like it didn’t live up to the potential that you had dreamed for it.
Behemoth Beer
Every Behemoth song sounds like the musical cue in a movie that signifies “Giant badass has entered the room.” The band’s style of dress is “Tombstone Piledriver” and they often play their instruments like they’re trying to figure out what the bones in their hands look like. The fact that they made a barley wine, and not, for instance, a bat-monster stitched together from smaller bat-monsters, is a blessing to us all.
The website describes it as “best enjoyed while keeping warm in the brutal winter months,” and what we think they actually mean is “This ale knocks you out, and when you wake up from your death sleep, you won’t know that it’s actually next year.”
BONUS ROUND: Jose Cuervo’s Rolling Stones Tequila
At what point in your life do you let Rolling Stones tequila happen to you? This isn’t something that you drink on your own free will. Destiny is what leads you to find yourself staring at a bottle of it. You were always meant to be there, from the time that you were born. Some overwhelming force has arranged the events in your life so that you end up drinking this tequila, and there was nothing that you could’ve done to stop it. All you can do is shout “This is the only way that I know how to feel!” at anyone that enters your chamber while you’re in the midst of pouring Rolling Stones tequila down your throat and across your chest. Rolling Stones tequila is proof that we are just play things in the grand scheme of life. Some of us succeed. And some of us drink Rolling Stones tequila. We are truly powerless.
Daniel Dockery is a columnist for Cracked.com, and a writer for Silicon Exit. You can read all of his stuff at his blog. He really loves you.
We rocked out a bit ourselves when we found out The Delta Saints’ Ben Ringel Is Our Kind of Dude.
The man’s a saint.
